Has something like this, happened to you…..

You’re off to a restaurant with your partner.  You are in your car and you are driving.  You know where you are going and you know that there are multiple ways to get there.  You’ve made a choice on the route that you’ll take, so you’re feeling comfortable and confident.

And then as you are trundling along, you are hearing a directive from your partner telling you to turn right!  It is a red flag to a bull.  You are triggered and angry.  But you say nothing, and do as you are directed.  You stewed on this and then say something like I did …,

 When I’m driving, every time you are a passenger, you always tell me which way to go.  It’s like you think that I don’t already know. It drives me crazy.  It doesn’t matter if I tell you to stop.  You still do it.  In the end I just suck it up, do as you say and get upset.  I wish you would just stop it.

Now, I felt a certain sense of release at having said what I had said.  But I also felt a degree of guilt at being so blunt, and so seemingly honest.  Sound familiar?

So, what was my partner’s response?  It was …. silence.  Nothing.  No response.  Nada.

My outburst was intended to stimulate a dialogue between us about my needs. But it failed miserably.  The rest of our drive was conducted in total silence, which continued as we were seated in the restaurant and made our selections from the menu.  All in all, it wasn’t a great evening.  And later, we didn’t return to the issue to find a resolution, either.

So, what went wrong?

Well, I wanted to communicate how I was feeling and what I was needing but I did it in an unsuccessful way, some say, in a violent way.  What I mean by violent in this context is that I expressed myself through meanings which were unlikely to succeed at having my needs met - wanting to exercise my own agency by getting us to the restaurant according to a route of my choice.

But instead, I succeeded at off-siding my partner and leaving him feeling off balance and unsafe…. so unsafe that he chose not to interact at all with me.  My words had failed me.  

So, are you a bit like me, wanting a different way to communicate? 

As social beings, we share a special capacity to communicate with each other.  To transmit these meanings, we encode them in language. To understand, we decode the language into meaning.

So that this encode/decoding process is possible, language is organised into patterns which we recognise.  This goes for all languages.  Learning how to communicate as a social being starts with learning the language patterns which the language community shares and then using these patterns to communicate what we want to mean.

Language users can select patterns which will connect interpersonally to others, and patterns which probably won’t.  My violent communication is an example of a set of patterns that didn’t serve my desire to have my needs met. I selected language patterns which expressed meanings of judgement and blame instead.

Consider this as an alternative, one that connects me interpersonally to my partner.

Right now, when I think about you giving me directions to the restaurant, I feel powerless and cross because I want to be able to make my own decision by myself on which way to go.  That’s because I need agency and autonomy.  Next time we are driving, would you be willing to wait until I ask for help?

This version removes blame and judgement and simply expresses feelings and needs. In so doing, it lands better for the listener.

Here are the four steps.

1 Observation: express the incident as a recount of events without evaluation.

2 Feelings: express how you feel about what happened without blame.

3 Needs: express what you need to be OK.

4 Request: make a request for action.

Using the four steps, the nonviolent variation is analysed below.

1.     Observation

Right now, when I think about you giving me directions to the restaurant,

2.     Feelings

I feel powerless and cross

3.     Needs

because I want to be able to make my own decision by myself on which way to go.  That’s because I need agency and autonomy. 

4.     Request for action

Next time we are driving, would you be willing to wait until I ask for help?

A nonviolent style of linguistic expression uses language patterns that make the following meanings and use the following vocabulary and grammatical structures, commonly referred to as lexicogrammar.

1. The lexicogrammar of the Observation is a recount of a specific event with indisputable facts (who, what, where, when), expressed as statements of actions and happenings within mental processes (processes of thinking/remembering/imagining etc) in the present.   

2. The lexicogrammar of the Feelings step uses qualities which are connected to the physical sensations of the body, expressed as adjectives of Affect in the present.

3. The lexicogrammar of the Needs step uses universal needs that are shared by all humanity, expressed as generalised, abstract nouns.

4. The lexicogrammar of the Request step uses requests for action, connection and or clarification which are positive, choiceful, clear and doable, expressed as material (doings and happenings) and mental (feeling, thinking and sensing) processes.

This short example exemplifies how nonviolent communication (NVC) is a particular meaning making process.  It foregrounds a particular perspective on our social relationships, that of compassion and connection.  And it has a particular set of language choices which express its primary characteristics:- compassion and connection.

People who know and understand NVC use a communication style or register which uses some specific language choices to impart particular meanings which aid connection between people and express heartfelt compassion.  The social purpose of NVC is to connect personally and interpersonally through honesty and empathy.

To become proficient at this register is like learning a language.  In fact, in my opinion, NVC is a language learning process.  While it is accepted that NVC is typically described as a consciousness and a mindset, it is also includes mastery of particular language choices that define the register.  And mastery takes practice, just like a language learning exercise. 

A student of NVC learns the specific lexis and grammatical structures (often in a Foundation Course) which express the semantic features or meanings of NVC, most notably the lexicogrammar of the four ingredients: observations, feelings, needs and requests.  

Importantly, it takes practice to express the meanings clearly and precisely which is why there are ‘practice’ groups.  Being adept at making these meanings is what indicates that a person has control of the register and is competent at speaking and writing nonviolently.

If expressing these meanings is something that isn’t in your usual repertoire, then you’ll probably find it a bit challenging to make these meanings without slipping into more familiar patterns.  You’ll need practice.

And certainly in my case, my violent example was real and I felt the feelings and had the needs as outlined above.  However, instead of using my best NVC language, at the time, I was triggered and not in control. Consequently, I selected from my habitual patterns without pausing to think how my expressions might land on my partner. 

These old patterns achieved the following:

• I cast my partner as having habitually bad behaviours;

• I held him responsible for my emotions, that is, he caused me to feel this way;

• I martyred myself; and

• demanded that he change.

No wonder he was silent.

Changing the way we talk to each other can be a challenge, but it can also offer us a new way of expressing what we need in a way that builds social bonds and connection rather than just expresses pain and blame. 

If we are alive to change and want to express ourselves honestly and with empathy, then we embark on a language learning journey.  A journey with wonderful outcomes that enrich life and make it more wonderful.  It is as easy as learning the four steps of Observation, Feelings, Needs and Requests. 

This blog was featured on Dian Killan’s website in January 2021.

https://workcollaboratively.com/2021/01/08/the-four-ingredients-to-effectively-tell-my-partner-to-stop-telling-me-where-to-go-in-the-car/