When your request lands on deaf ears. 

Are you frustrated and annoyed when you ask someone to do something and they don’t?  Do they ignore you?  Or worse, do they say, NO? Just like that, not even a maybe?  Just a straight up, ‘NO’? 

Making requests is an art form.  If you want to receive assistance, a favour or cooperation, the art of composing an effective request is your best strategy for success.  What do I mean by this?…. Read on.

In the Nonviolent Communication framework developed by Dr. Marshall Rosenberg, our relationships with each other are made more satisfying, even more wonderful when we recognise our own feelings and needs, and understand and empathise with the feelings and needs of others.  He talks about our everyday conversations as a dance between please and thank you.

When our communication supports compassionate giving and receiving, happiness replaces violence and grieving.

-Marshall Rosenberg-

Our please conversations are about finding strategies to meet our needs, either by asking things of ourselves or of others to help us meet our needs.  Once we know what we are needing, we then make requests in all kinds of ways to meet our needs. 

Our thank you conversations are about expressing our gratitude for the cooperation and assistance we receive.  We feel so heart-full and satisfied that our natural urge is to say, thank you!

For this dance of please and thank you to flow between you and I, our language choices matter. 

What I want in my life is compassion, a flow between myself and others
based on mutual giving from the heart

-Marshall Rosenberg-

Our language choices matter a lot when we want to make a request.  Why?  Because we want a positive outcome, right?  We want our needs to be met.  We don’t want to hear, No.

 So here are four tips on making life-enriching requests: 

1.     Express your request in positive terms, using positive verbs.  Request what you want, rather than what you don’t want. 

For example,

Empty the bucket

rather than

Don’t leave the bucket full of dirty water.

2.     Make a specific, doable request.  This avoids ambiguity and confusion about what is being requested.

For example,

Empty the bucket and put it back in the cupboard when you have finished mopping the bathroom floor,

rather than

Do a proper job when you mop.

3.     Limit the request to the present circumstance that you have reacted to and the need that is currently alive in you.

For example,

I’ve just noticed the bucket full of dirty water in the bathroom, Please empty the bucket and put it back in the cupboard now that you have finished mopping.  

rather than,

Every time you mop the bathroom floor, you never do a proper job.  Empty the bucket and put it away.

4.     Express the request in a way which offers choice and willingness.  If a request is heard as a demand or command, it is less likely to be willingly complied with. Try to express a request in such a way that it is responded to with ‘the joy of a child feeding hungry ducks’.

For example,

Would you be willing to empty the bucket and put it back in the cupboard now that you have finished mopping?

Rather than,

Empty the bucket and put it back in the cupboard now that you have finished.

The important point I want to make here is that making requests which are positive, specific, doable, relevant to the immediate circumstance and choice-full reduces the chances of hearing, NO!  You are more likely to receive what you need from others.

And if you do this, you’ll notice that you are the person in the conversation who is doing it differently, and that your change in your choice of language results in a better outcome, with less conflict and more cooperation.  And that makes life more wonderful!

The other point that I want to make is about what to do if you are still hearing, NO even after making a choiceful request. If you are honestly making a request which serves connection and which truly offers choice, you have to be prepared to hear, NO.  And if you do hear, NO, you know that there is something more to understand about the feelings and needs of the other person. This is a beautiful opportunity to make another kind of request, a request for connection.  You could ask something like,

Could you tell me what you just heard me say? I’m curious to understand what’s going on for you.

Or

I’m guessing you said No for a reason.  Would you be willing to explain?

This kind of request gives the other person a chance to explain their reaction and thus offers you an opportunity to negotiate in order to meet everyone’s needs.  It steps you towards a win/win outcome.

So when a request lands on deaf ears, ask yourself:

1. Have I expressed my request in the best possible way (using the four tips) to have my needs meet?

   And if it is, am I willing and able to accept the No?

2. Am I still hearing No because they have something more to say, perhaps an unmet need?

   If so, then I’ll make a request for connection to find out what is going on for them.

I hope this offers you something to think about next time you hear, No. It is a gift to be able to explore our feelings and needs and find strategies to meet them, especially when our requests are met with No.

If you like to learn more about Nonviolent Communication and how to express your Observations, Feelings, Needs and Requests, click on the link below to learn more via my online course, Connecting Through Talk.