Listening empathetically to our inner self and integrating an unwanted survival reaction.

Have you ever found yourself in a situation when an interaction is so unexpected that you are left speechless, powerless and just simply unable to respond? 

When this happens to me, I call it my ‘bunny in the headlights’ moment.  ‘Bunny’ shows up and my ability to function rationally escapes me. I’m caught up in my body’s survival response of freezing.  I am frozen in the moment and very still.  I don’t really think about it, it just happens and then I recover and return to my rational self when the context or interaction changes.

In this blog, I’m interested in sharing my understanding the Freeze response.  Like the Fight response which I blogged about last month, the Freeze response originates from some early trauma. And because our brains do their best to keep us safe, the survival response can stay with us into adulthood even when it is no longer helpful in keeping us safe.  The great thing is, we can retrain our brains to respond differently. If you want to react differently, then this is possible. We can pause in the moment and self-connect.

It happened to me the other day.  I had been wanting to promote my work but had been getting more and more upset about not knowing how to do it, finding myself outside of my comfort zone and resisting learning new marketing and promotional skills.  I’d been telling myself that I can’t do it.  My guts churned with anxiety.  I was stuck, frozen and couldn’t seem to snap out of it.  My ‘Bunny in the headlights’ was on duty, keeping me ‘safe’.  I needed to reflect and understand my stuckness. 

Below is my example of a dialogue between the two parts of me as a strategy to deal with my stuckness.  In the exchange, the two parts of me which are in conflict, work out their respective needs, then come up with a strategy to meet each of them.  This brings the two parts of me closer together, feeling more connected and integrated as one self. The integrated self is then better able to meet the vicissitudes of life head on with love and confidence.

_____________________

Rational ET:     Bunny, when you freeze on me, I can’t respond and I can’t think.  You make my life so difficult because I don’t function rationally in the moment. You freeze.

Bunny:             Yes, that’s right. But I’ve been doing this to keep us safe for years! Sounds like you don’t actually like me freezing.  Is that right?    

Rational ET:     Yes, that’s right.  I need a clear head and clarity so that I can function in the moment. I want to be able to resolve a conflict, fix a problem, or even just leave my comfort zone long enough to explore something new. 

Bunny:             Well, when I’m confronted by conflict or something new, I’m afraid of being teased or being incompetent.  I’m so discombobulated that I clam up and freeze to stay safe.  It has always worked for us until now.

Rational ET:     Yeah, I agree.  It is our pattern and I’m recognising how tough it is for you to be around conflict and new experiences.  I understand it is about being safe and I’m grateful for your protection.

Bunny:             Thank you. It is all about safety for me.  It is like I want to hide in my burrow, safe and away from conflict and new challenges. You know, recognising this and just saying this to you makes me feel a lot better.

Rational ET:     And I’m feeling better for knowing that I need a clear head.  Perhaps there is a way that we could work together to achieve both a clear head for me and safety for you.  What do you think? 

Bunny:             Well, to be honest, it would work for me, if you could visualise a secure and snugly burrow where I could escape to and feel safe when things are getting edgy. That way, I won’t have to freeze and you can keep a clear head and manage what’s going on rationally. Would you like to give that a try? 

Rational ET:     Yes, that’s a good suggestion. It feels like we have found a strategy which will meet both of our needs. I’ll just pop you in your burrow in my heart garden when things are heating up. I feel so much better having worked this out with you.  It’s like we are now working together and functioning more normally.

Bunny:             Yeah.  I agree …

______________________

Here is the process that I went through to ‘integrate’ Bunny and Rational ET

1.     When I was calm, I found a quiet place with a notepad.

2.     I wrote down how I was feeling.  Was I feeling frightened, sad or anxious?

3.     I was feeling anxious, so I gave my feeling a name.  I called my feeling, Bunny.

4.     I also gave my Rational Self a name, Rational ET

5.     I then wrote the dialogue between Bunny and Rational ET, exploring my feelings and needs, to work out a strategy to meet all of my needs.

_______________________

If you like thinking about inner conflict through dialogue, why not try this process next time you feel disconnected and judging of self?  It will be enriching.

If you would like to learn more about how to use language which helps you better connect with yourself so that you have emotional reserves to connect with others, then why not enrol in our next Foundation Course in Compassionate Communication starting on July 20.  Click on the button to learn more.  There is a 15% discount if you enrol before July 17.