Interrupting

I’ve been reflecting recently on one of my edges.  By edges, I mean behaviours of mine that don’t serve me well, or rather don’t serve me very well anymore.  These behaviours appear when something triggers me and I’m consequently washed in feelings which point to an unmet need.  The edge that I’ve been reflecting on is my propensity to interrupt.

Now interrupting isn’t in itself a bad thing.  In fact, in conversation in Australian English, turning taking is exactly that, we take our turn to talk by interrupting others.  We literally take ‘the floor’ from the speaker.  This is acceptable behaviour, particularly when the speaker’s intonation offers us the opportunity to interrupt by using a falling tone on their utterance.  This is the tone of a statement, rather than a question.   In other words, a conversation unfolds quite naturally via interruptions.  Now this might result in the conversation changing direction, which might be just fine, but the conversation can return to the original direction by another interruption.  In one sense, we can understand conversations as a kind of turn taking dance of interruptions.

So why do I consider my behaviour of interrupting an edge?  Well, I have been noticing that I do a little bit more than the act of interrupting as I’ve just described.  I notice that I interrupt before someone has finished their point by actually finishing their sentence.  I step into their turn and give them the words to finish their utterance.  Sometimes I do this when I think the speaker is lost for the right word, so I provide it. Other times, I do it because I believe I have the perfect summary of what the speaker is trying to say.  I anticipate what they are going to say and then say if for them.  And then once I’ve interrupted,I keep the floor, and take my talking turn.

Reflecting on this, particularly in the context of using language in a nonviolent way, in the tradition of Marshall Rosenberg, I realise that I interrupt because I am motivated by an unmet need.  Let me explain.

When I’m about to finish someone’s sentence, I’ve noticed that I get a bit excited, a bit jumpy.  It’s like I’ve found an opportunity to demonstrate that I’m competent, capable and good enough.  So, in that moment, I jump in and show people that I can help them with my wordsmithing.  When I stop and self-connect, what I’m needing is to demonstrate that I’m good enough.  And when I translate that into a need, I believe that I’m needing acceptance.  And when I land on this need of acceptance, I feel an energetic release, it’s kind of like, I worked it out and so my body relaxes.  I am released from this automatic reactive behaviour.

The exercise of

pausing,

noticing my physical response,

identifying how I’m feeling and

working out what need is at stake

helps me understand why interrupting in my case is a kind of edge, a behaviour that I do when I am struggling with an unmet need.  So now that I understand myself a bit better, I’m wanting to change this edge of mine.  I don’t think it serves me well anymore.

Knowing that I’m feeling insecure and wanting acceptance frees me from the trap of playing out my need for acceptance unconsciously as unsolicited interruptions of others.  And it also allows space in my conscious mind to then consider how the other person might receive my interruptions.  While in many cases, it might be fine, I wonder if sometimes my interruptions are received as interference or misdirection, that is, saying something for them that was not their intention to say.  I also wonder if indeed it could be received as disrespectful of their autonomy.    It is like I overstep a boundary, I’m out of my lane and this is not something that sits well with me.  I don’t want to be someone who does this to others.  It could even be construed as a form of control over others’ words. 

 So now that I have considered my edge of interrupting, I feel more self-regulated and liberated from a chronic edge in my life.  I’m sure I’ll continue to do it, but now that I’m more mindful of this behaviour of mine, I’m in a better position to manage it, to regulate it so that I am making life more wonderful for myself and others.

Interrupting is something I am now more conscious about and choosing to do less frequently.  I credit the self-regulatory work that I have done on myself to the Nonviolent Communication framework of Marshall Rosenberg.  It is life changing.