I feel frustrated & impatient but I can’t work out why.

The other day I had a really interesting discussion about needs.  It was sparked by a comment that it can be difficult to work out what needs are behind our feelings. 

And from my experience, I would agree – it is difficult - and be reassured that it isn’t a reflection on us.  It just means that this is a new experience, and that it takes practice to identify the needs behind our feelings.  If thinking about what you need is a new approach to understanding yourself more, then it doesn’t come easily or automatically.  It might be easier to work out your needs when you are feeling positive, but it is a bit more of a challenge if you are feeling low or shitty.   It takes a bit more probing before you start to work it out.  The more you practice it, the easier it becomes.  And if you have someone who can help you, you know, be an empathy buddy, then you can explore together and get to know yourself more deeply with their support. 

Below is an example of how I used NVC to help me identify the unmet need behind my feelings. 

I remember cleaning the holiday house at the end of a short holiday with my children and I was getting frustrated with them because they were reluctant to help me.

When I thought about it, I was feeling frustrated but then as I thought a bit more, I was actually feeling really impatient.

The story that I was telling myself was that I believed that my impatience was directly related to my children’s behaviour. They weren’t helping me.  They were being unhelpful.  I was blaming them for my impatience.  I saw them as causing my feelings. But in fact they stimulated my feelings but they weren’t responsible for causing.  I needed to translate my blame into my unmet need.

Using the needs list, I went looking for the need that was driving my feeling of impatience.  I came up with cooperation.  That was such a moment.  Wow.  Cooperation is important to me.  I needed their cooperation in order to clean the house properly.

But as I sat with this new understanding, I noticed that it didn’t settle me.  I was still activated.  I was sensing a pit in my stomach.  My body was telling me that there was more to this sense of impatience.  I didn’t feel a settling or a sigh of relief.  There was clearly more to interrogate in myself.

I needed to dig deeper.  This is because there was a deeper seated need at stake that lay beneath my need for cooperation.  I looked at the needs list again and realised that competency jumped out at me.  I wanted to do a good job cleaning the house.  It was important to me to leave the house in perfect shape to demonstrate that I can do it, that I’m good enough.  I was worried about being judged, as being someone who is unable to competently clean a house.  Good heavens.  Really? I couldn’t believe it. But it resonated, and my body told me so. I had a visceral need for competency.

So while I thought I was frustrated and impatient because my children weren’t helping me, I was actually anxious about being seen to be competent.  I realise now that this need for competency has been an ongoing theme throughout my life.  And thankfully now that I have NVC to help me work out my needs, I can name it, get to know it and consciously decide whether to react to it or just notice it and give myself some warmest and understanding.  I can set myself free from this cycle of perfectionism, endlessly chasing competency.  I can work with this pattern hanging over from my childhood.  And you know what? It has really helped my anxiety. I know I am a good cleaner.  But I’m not a perfectionist, and I don’t need to be.  Understanding this underlying need was a liberation.

What I find interesting about this experience and other similar experiences is that needs are layered.  There are needs at stake at the local event level - eg. cooperation which can be met by a request of others, but there are deeper needs at stake at the pattern of life level - eg. competency which can be met by a request of self.  These deeper ones aren’t always easy to land on but if you know that there are layers of needs, and that your body responds to the discovery with energetic release and a settling or quietening, then you can dig in and find them. I can now make a request of self to give myself understanding and empathy instead of self-judgement. The discovery is such a sweet, life enriching moment.