Have you experienced moments when someone tells you that you should or shouldn’t do something?  In these moments, do you feel sort of taken aback, a bit thrown, or perhaps a bit angry?  Is it like, “Don’t tell me what I should or shouldn’t do?  I’ll make up my own mind, thank you very much!”? 

My friend, Ted, came to me the other day, quite perplexed, wanting to explore this very issue. 

In his case, the situation was like this.  Along with his new girlfriend, Laura, he was visiting his close friend, Sadie, a woman he has known since childhood who now is pregnant.  Due to the pandemic, he hadn’t seen Sadie for about four or five months and so was delighted to see her and her beautiful baby bump. Without much thought, he excitedly caressed her bump with both hands.  Both Ted and Sadie were happy in the moment, sharing the wonder of her pregnancy.  For Ted, it was a natural response, which was received by Sadie as a mutually enjoyable act of love and affection.  It was a beautiful moment. 

But at this intimate moment, Laura reacted saying,

“You shouldn’t touch a woman’s pregnant body without her permission”. 

Ted felt admonished and confused, and rather embarrassed that he had received a rebuke so publicly.  In the moment, he put on a brave face, tried his best to hide his embarrassment and wondered, there and then, if he should’ve apologised or defended himself.  Sadie rescued him by saying,

“No, it’s totally fine.  Ted is one of my best friends.”

At this point the conversation moved on and the rest of the visit went well.  But my friend wondered silently what had gone down and why he felt weirded out.  Nothing was resolved for him.

In my view, it has to do with recognising and responding to lane violations.

To explain … we are each responsible for our own behaviour.  We all make choices on what we think, do and say.  Our choices belong to us.  And when someone else tells us what choices we should make, we feel our right to choose is taken away.  In a sense we feel managed or even controlled.  Ted made a choice in a context of intimacy with a dear friend.  Knowing Sadie and their years of friendship was background to his decision to ‘hug her bump’ safely.  From his perspective, he wasn’t doing anything wrong in relation to Sadie, who then confirmed as much.  

So why did Ted’s girlfriend react?  What made Laura step in and tell him what he shouldn’t do?  In a sense she stepped into his ‘lane’, and told him that there were limits on his choices. 

To understand her behaviour requires empathy.  It requires curiosity without judgement to guess what is important to her. 

Ted and I decided to have a go at guessing what might be at stake for Laura. Possibly, her words indicated that

• a woman’s body belongs to the woman;

• touching a woman’s body is out of bounds without her permission;

• pregnancy is not a reason to touch a woman; and so on.

Thinking this through, it seems that Laura’s words, her admonishment of Ted were protective.  They suggest that giving permission is really important to her and her reaction suggests that she is a defender of women.  Her intention of telling Ted what he ‘shouldn’t do’ was out of concern for Sadie, for her right to choose to be touched or not.  Thinking about this now, Ted could see that Laura’s protectiveness was admirable.

So why was Ted weirded out?  To get a better sense of this, we worked together on his feelings and needs.  He explained that while he understands and appreciates Laura’s desire to be protective, he feels uneasy because he values accountability and dignity.  He made his decision within the context of his friendship and so he knew he was doing something safe.  And from his point of view, he was being responsible for his actions.  And he trusted that Laura would know this about him.  So the public admonishment was what was painful for him.  It wounded his dignity which, in his view, was unnecessary.  Laura was in his lane.  She was taking his choices away from him in the moment.  This was what ‘weirded him out’.  He decided to make a request of himself if something like this were to happen in the future.  His request went something like this. 

“Next time I feel the shame of a public admonishment by Laura, I’m going to acknowledge her concern and thank her for it, but ask her to trust and respect my right to choose what I do.  And if she has concerns, I’ll ask if she is willing to express those concerns in private”.

This recount is an example of enmeshment (or co-dependence). Enmeshment is the opposition of interdependence.

An enmeshed relationship

In this kind of relationship, there is confusion about who is responsible for what.

Someone who is enmeshed is likely to believe that others cause their feelings.  And they may also think that they are responsible for the feelings of others.  They may believe it is the job or responsibility of others to meet their needs, and they are likely to base relationships on unspoken expectations and implicit rules or demands. They are quick to use shoulds, shouldn’ts and have tos.

An interdependent relationship

In this kind of relationship, both parties take full responsibility for their own feelings and needs. At the same time, they recognise that they need one another and affect one another. This is because we humans are social beings. Couples who are interdependent know that taking charge of their own feelings & needs includes taking responsibility for the consequences of their choices, including potential impacts on others. This awareness allows interdependent couples to experience freedom from unhealthy patterns of enmeshment AND relate to one another with more compassion and care.

If you are experiencing a lane violation, that is, someone taking responsibility for your choices, then maybe you are in a pattern of enmeshment.  Or maybe, you are the lane-violator yourself. Taking responsibility for your feelings and needs, while holding the other person’s needs with empathy and understanding is a step towards interdependence.

Look out for the shoulds, shouldn’ts, and have tos!