Have you ever considered how we use nouns to express our needs cleanly? In this blog, I want to demonstrate the role of the abstract noun and how it is used to express our needs, taking full responsibility for them without blaming or judging.

When we talk about what we need using the Nonviolent Communication framework, we can describe our needs by using lots of words, or we can just choose one word that captures or ‘grips up’ what we want to say very efficiently. This is role of the abstract noun: - to distill down an event into one word. Here’s an example,

Instead of saying,

I need to be able to make my own decision freely.

I could use two abstract nouns and say,

I need autonomy and agency.

Autonomy and agency are two abstract nouns. They express a generalised meaning which is abstract (very difficult to touch, feel, smell, taste or hear), but which can capture the meaning of ‘being able to make my own decision freely’.

Abstract nouns like these are very helpful when we want to say what we need without assigning blame or judgement. This is because the abstract noun doesn’t include people or interactants in its expression. It is simply describing the abstract thing, such as autonomy or agency.

It doesn’t express meanings like

you tell me what to do

or

you make me go a way I don’t want to go.

And this is why Marshall Rosenberg encourages us to use abstract nouns when we want to express our needs. We are solely responsible for meeting our needs and this language choice of the abstract noun ensures that we don’t shift our responsibility onto others.

Let’s look at a couple of other examples. These examples make others responsible for our needs.

You have to trust me.

I need you to trust me

You should be thoughtful.

I need you to be thoughtful

You make me unhappy.

I need you to be happy for me

Notice that each of these examples contains the pronouns, I/ME, YOU. This is how we bring others into the picture. But if we use the abstract noun for each of the needs that are being expressed, we can avoid shifting blame. Here are the same needs expressed as abstract nouns, leaving out others and thus avoiding blame.

I need trust.

Trust is important to me.

I need thoughtfulness,

Being thoughtful is important to me.

I need happiness,

Happiness is important to me.

When we choose abstract nouns we are taking personal responsibility for our needs and can express this to others without implicating them. In other words, they aren’t responsible for what’s important for you, for what you need.

Would you like the opportunity to practice expressing your needs cleanly? I have Practice Group starting soon. Connect with other like-minded peace makers, wanting a different, more compassionate way to connect.