Compassion in the workplace

In class recently I was asked, “how can NVC be used in the workplace to have a positive impact?” This is an enormous topic, and I have a lot to say about it. But I'll truncate my thoughts on the topic into just a few key points that I have come to know through my work in linguistics and Nonviolent communication.

My first Key point is personal and interpersonal relationships always come first, work output, second.

And my second point is people don't want to produce (do something for their employer) if they feel like shit.

What to do? My advice to anyone managing or supervising people is:

1. Understand the feelings and needs of your workers/colleagues/superiors/contractors/clients etc; find out what they enjoy and don't enjoy. Listen to them. Build trust. Give them time and space to open up. Offer them a confidential, safe space to share.

2. Support them by guessing their feelings and needs. Through this process you will connect with the person who seems recalcitrant, uninterested, bored etc... their difficult behaviours or language choices point to the pain of their unmet needs. By engaging around their feelings and needs, they will begin to feel heard, supported, safe, and will more than likely cooperate to find strategies which meet their needs. This process repairs the interpersonal relationship. And you know what? Once your team feels connected and heard, work output becomes possible. It is like it magically starts to happen.

Sounds too simple, doesn't it?

But many of us don't feel seen or heard at work.

As a manager, you have the opportunity to offer an empathetic ear. To hear them, empathise with them, find out from them what makes them tick; what motivates them; and what barriers are impeding their happiness and productivity.

Importantly this is the time to build trust: this is not the time to start telling them how to fix things, or give them your best advice or opinion on what is wrong with them or their thinking. It is a time when you suspend your desire to be the talker and the wise one. It is a time when you freely give them the talking time they want to take and the opportunity to consider their own needs, values and access their inner wisdom.

Support your team to work out what’s working and not working for them, and then, work together through strategies to meet their needs. The result of this process is the repair of the interpersonal connection, a connection which powers the motivation to produce.

And sometimes this process results in the worker coming to the realisation that what they are doing in their job isn’t what is working for them at all. In some cases they may even decide to leave because that's what is alive for them and what they choose to do for their wellbeing. If you supported them to this realisation then you have given them a gift - a gift which helped work out what they needed. This is an act of authentic connection, powered by an intention to make life more wonderful, to care for yourself and others.

Indulge me as I give you a personal example:

Prior to quitting my job, after 30 years in the workforce, I was feeling very resentful ... Eventually I gave it up and quit. It seemed just too painful to stay doing what I was doing. Two years later, when I used Marshall Rosenberg’s Nonviolent communication framework to help me understand what was going on for me, what came up were unmet needs around recognition and acknowledgement...

I just wanted someone to notice what I had done and say thank you.

But as I probed deeper, the needs for recognition and acknowledgement were my first pass at coming to understand my deeper need, to matter. This was a powerful realisation for me. It then led me to understand myself more and think about how it came to be that I had a deep unmet need to matter. Why was that so important? ..... this took me into the realm of self-connection and understanding. I had to get to know myself more to start to unpack why mattering was so crucial. Where in my life had mattering stopped mattering?

Looking back, I wished I could have worked that out for myself before I quit, but it would have also been wonderful if someone at work had supported me as I struggled with resentment, fear, timidity & failure, and maybe even helped me identify my deeply buried unmet need to matter. Because in the end, I left my job. I didn't think I mattered, and I didn’t think my contribution was valued!

While this is sad, and resulted in my leaving the workforce early, it had a silver lining, and a happy ending. All things considered, it was a good thing for me to quit. And I was old enough to retire and give myself some much needed time and space. I needed healing and as it has turned out, I'm healing. These days I know in my heart that I do matter, that I was a supportive, kind and effective boss and that I contributed significantly to the output of the organisation. And because I left, I am now learning, living and sharing NVC and THAT is truly meeting my need to matter! I have no regrets.

So to sum up what I'm trying to say ...

As a manager - being truly empathetic, listening to hear and understand, giving your team your time and care - builds trust and connection which affords positive interpersonal workplace relations and improved productivity.

Best of luck as you negotiate the feelings and needs of you and your team in the workplace. I’m holding you close as you venture into courageous conversations at work.

Here is a poem by Rosenberg pointing to 'requests' in the workplace. In your workplace, are they requests or demands?

If I clearly understand

you intend no demand,

I'll usually respond when you call.

But if you come across

like a high and mighty boss,

you'll feel like you ran into a wall.

And when you remind me

so piously

about all those things you've done for me,

you'd better get ready:

Here comes another bout!

then you can shout,

you can spit,

moan, groan, and throw a fit:

I still won't take the garbage out.

Now even if you should change your style,

It's going to take me a little while

before I can forgive and forget.

Because it seems to me that you

didn't see me as human too

until all your standards were met.

'Song from Brett', Marshall B. Rosenberg.