Vulnerability

"Our ability to be daring leaders will never be greater than our capacity for vulnerability"

Brene Brown 2018, Dare to Lead p.11

In my teaching on compassion, I’m been asked about how to stay safe and feel OK when faced with conflict, especially in the workplace and in leadership roles. Instead of suggesting we develop a ‘thick skin’ and be ready for conflict, I suggest that stepping up to vulnerability is a radical and productive alternative.

My view on vulnerability is about the extent to which we decide to react to our fears by protecting ourselves (wearing armour, as Brene Brown calls it) or by responding and recognising our fears as a signal of unmet needs. Reading fear as a pointer to something that's not resolved or settled within us can take courage (there's no doubt about that) but the outcome is a better understanding of self and strategies for giving ourselves compassion. This takes us on a pathway of healing.

I see vulnerability as a kind of freedom enabler - meaning that we are no longer the victim of fear, but instead, the liberator from our fear or anger etc. As Franklin Roosevelt said famously in his inaugural Presidential speech in1932,

"...the only thing we have to fear is...fear itself"

By stepping into vulnerability, we are choosing to be different, choosing to connect from the heart. Vulnerability is a key to healthier relationships and authentic connection. Your demonstration of vulnerability will change the kind of response you receive from others. In fact, your vulnerability gives permission for and/or allows other to be vulnerable, too, if they so choose. This is because you are offering them a safe space through your own behaviour. Your courage encourages others. And in return, you will experience connection and mutual love.

This kind of behaviour - being vulnerable - is very new to those of us who have lived most of our lives with armour on to keep ourselves safe. Our brains have been working hard to protect us with emotional armour. This protective reaction usually relates to early experiences where we were unsafe so we have developed emotional armour to keep ourselves safe. It makes absolute sense. But if you are like me, then you are probably noticing that it doesn’t serve you in relationship building - somewhere within you is a realisation that wearing this 'emotional armour' isn't working for you anymore. Our childhood responses to trauma and pain don't necessarily serve us now as adults. Maybe you are now ready for something different.

For me, I was trapped in a frightened, timid place even though I appeared successful and functioned under enormous work responsibilities with lots of people working with and for me. But I couldn't keep it up. I was unable to continue armouring up to disguise the fact that I was frightened of the people who relied on me to be strong, provide direction and be decisive.

I felt like I was living a double life - a life of mental torture. Paradoxically, I was frightened of the people that needed me. And after 30 years as a professional, I couldn't manage this anymore. So, out of necessity, I found the courage to leave work and decided that it was time to understand myself and do some work on me. As one way of understanding what was going on for me, I had moved from AWARENESS to ACCEPTANCE and now ACTION (Human Synergistics). And serendipitously, I was introduced to a communication framework developed by Dr Marshall Rosenberg called Nonviolent Communication (NVC). This framework has helped me:

1. become more aware of how to take back control of my life;

2. have a better understanding of who I am;

3. have more agency in what I decide and choose; and

4. nourish myself by recognising my needs and finding strategies to meet them through self empathy.

It has taken courage to do this - to be vulnerable - but I'm living better with myself. And that for me is golden. It is the huge pay off of being vulnerable.

And now that I live in more harmony with myself, I'm better in my relationships with others. My relationships with my children, my partner, my parents, my friends are all improving.

And my desire to connect feels natural. All of this is making my life more pleasant and even wonderful.

Notably, it started with me accepting that it was now time to take my emotional armour off.

It was time to bring vulnerability into my life.

I would love to share this framework with you, if this is resonating for you. Click the link below to learn more.