Connecting compassionately by saying what you mean, and meaning what you say.
When we say what we don’t mean, we lose connection.
This might seem odd, but have you noticed that what you say can have repercussions? We can say things which connect us to others compassionately, or we can say things which disconnect. Let me give you an example of how what we say can disconnect us from the people we love.
You are about to head off for work and you can’t find your car keys. You call out to your partner,
Darling, Have you seen my car keys?
You get a response that you don’t like. It might be one like,
1. No, I haven’t. Stop expecting me to know. They are your keys.
2. No, I haven’t. But you probably left them in the ignition as usual.
3. Yes, I do. But because you didn’t put them away, I’m not telling you.
None of these responses would land well, right? That’s because they are disconnecting in their meaning. The person who is saying them, your partner, is in pain. They are trying to say something about how they are feeling but they aren’t doing it well. Instead of their response helping you to discover the whereabouts of the keys, each response is indirectly trying to tell you something which is hard to hear. Each response is ‘acting’ on you in particular ways which are ‘flavoured’ with power over rather than power with.
Behind each of these reactions is a particular message, with a particular kind of meaning, a meaning of negative judgement and unequal power relations. Let’s consider each one.
Example 1: No, I haven’t. Stop expecting me to know. They are your keys.
The meaning is: I am not responsible for your keys. The implied judgement is: You are bad because you don’t take responsibility for yourself.
The message is…. You should take responsibility
Example 2: No, I haven’t. But you probably left them in the ignition as usual.
The meaning is: I am pointing out your habitual pattern. The implied judgement is: You are bad because you don’t change your habit of losing your keys.
The message is…. You should change your habit.
Example 3: Yes, I do. But because you didn’t put them away, I’m not telling you.
The meaning is: I want you to do things my way. The judgement is: You are bad because you don’t put things away.
The message is…. You should put things away.
In each case, your partner is exercising power over you in a negative way. And none of the responses help you find your keys. They just leave you feeling angry at them or bad about yourself and none-the-wiser as to the location of the car keys. You are on the receiving end of someone else’s pain.
Now, how do you reply?
Typically, if we haven’t already recognised that our partner is in pain and needs some empathy, then we will most likely react, too, in ways that are equally negative. We are likely to indirectly express our pain by blaming and judging our partner. Our response is thus another message which ‘doesn’t say what we really want to mean’. We want to say what we feel and what we need, but instead we express our pain through blame.
For example, upon hearing, “No, I haven’t. But you probably left them in the ignition as usual”, you are likely to be triggered, and could reply in the following ways:
Response A: “I did not, and I wish you’d stop saying that. I’ve only ever done it once and it is never happening again as far as I’m concerned. I’m not an idiot”.
You defend yourself, meaning……I’m not like you say.
or Response B: “No I haven’t. They are definitely not in the ignition but I can’t bloody find them”.
You make an angry appeal, meaning… Please help me.
or Response C: “You suck. You’ve lost your keys, too, you know. You’re not perfect”
You attack them, meaning…. You make mistakes, too.
or Response D: “I know, you’re right. I’m such an airhead. I’ll go and check the car.”
You appease them, meaning …. I am as you say.
Again, none of these responses are helpful, right?. They reflect a lot of pain in you and are unlikely to result in a supportive or compassionate response from your partner. This is why we can find ourselves alone even in a relationship.
These patterns of painful reactions do not enable understanding, or result in deeper connections. They lead to disconnection and isolation.
How would it be to learn to speak differently, to speak from a place of love and compassion, using language expressions that enrich life and make life more wonderful?
I wanted this in my life but I didn’t know how until I was encouraged to listen to this guy, Marshall Rosenberg. Wow. I was blown away. I listened to this person step me through a set of really simple language expressions that changed my life. His framework of compassionate communication, known as Nonviolent communication (NVC), teaches us how to:
When we say what we mean, we gain connection
1. speak to ourselves in order to calm ourselves down before we say something we’ll regret,
2. express ourselves honestly, taking full responsibility for how we are feeling and what we need and
3. listen empathetically, offering back to others, who may be in pain, a reiteration of how they may be feeling in order to offer them deep listening and empathy.
This is a powerful, life enriching way to communicate. So if you would like to say what you mean in a way which is more understanding and compassionate, then why not come along and experience our free webinar. Come and learn how to say what you mean, and mean what you say!
If you’re interested in learning how to communicate differently with compassion, then join our FREE Introduction to Marshall Rosenberg’s book, ‘Nonviolent Communication, A Language of Life’ on April 27 from 7.30-8.30pm AEST on Zoom.
