Empathetic listening, giving the person in pain ‘the floor’
When you offer empathy to someone who is in pain, you give them the gift of being able to safely vent. You receive their judgements and blame, guessing the needs behind them. You are giving them the 'floor'. You are offering ‘the art of being with’ them.
So when you respond, either energetically or with language, your response is about confirming that they are being deeply heard. They have the floor. You demonstrate this linguistically by language which selects them as 'topic'. So even though you might be paraphrasing their words, or guessing their feelings and needs, they stay as topic. This isn't always easy, particularly if you are the person who has triggered the person in pain. When your actions trigger another person, it is very difficult (and so takes lots of practice) to stay in empathy and not be triggered yourself. The knack is to keep using you and not reverting to I. Consider this example.
Example 1:
Colleague: How is the job application going? Did you submit it?
Jane: How could you ask me that in public? I told you that in private. It was confidential. And now it isn’t. I’m so disgusted. I thought we were friends
Colleague as empathiser: Hearing you say this, I'm guessing that you are feeling vulnerable and needing some reassurance and confidentiality.
Jane: Yes, I am. I'm confused because this isn't what friends do!
Colleague as empathiser: I'm hearing your confusion and how you value trust and friendship.
Now let's see what happens with the pronouns when the Colleague becomes the person in pain and makes themselves the topic.
Example 2:
Colleague: How is the job application going? Did you submit it?
Jane: How could you ask me that in public? I told you that in private. It was confidential. And now it isn’t. I’m so disgusted. I thought we were friends
Colleague in pain: Hearing you say this, I'm shocked. I didn't mean to hurt you or betray your confidence.
Jane: Well you did, and that's not what friends do!
Colleague as empathiser: I hear you but I didn't know it was confidential. I was just trying to make conversation over lunch. I thought it was something to talk about. But now I feel really bad and ashamed. I'm sorry.
In Example 1, the empathiser just stays with the pronoun, 'you', while in Example 2, the empathiser switches to the first person pronoun, 'I'. This simple pronominal replacement shifts the topic from Jane to the empathiser..... and the empathiser is no longer functioning in the role of empathiser. The empathiser has now become someone in pain who might also need empathy. The empathiser is no longer empathising with Jane, but has moved into a different realm of meaning. In the example, the realm is justification for their behaviour, explaining why they acted the way that they did. It then turns to expressions of shame and regret.
So my tips are:
1. remind yourself to keep using 'you' when empathising.
2. if you are tending to go with 'I', then remind yourself that your role right now is to empathise. If you can't linguistically express it, then just offer energetic silence. Tune back into them and listen from the heart..... they'll feel your presence and empathy in their bodies. And if they cry or express themselves strongly, our role is to just be with them, sit with them in energetic support. We 'hold' them with our presence and attention. Remember, empathetic listening is the art of being with.
3. I use an acronym, WAIT (Why Am I Talking) that I invoke when I think I'm about to move into 'I' statements. It stops me for that millisecond to remind me to 'stay in empathy with them', honour them with 'topic-hood' and not go to my unmet needs.
Note: I'm demonstrating this shift from 'you' to 'I' as it pertains to the process of empathetic listening. I'm not saying that shifting from 'you' to 'I' is wrong or something to avoid. It's use depends on what meanings you want to make and why. If you choose to express how you are feeling and what you are needing, then it is absolutely appropriate to move into 'I' statements. It is all about what you want to say, about meaning making and language choice.
