Learning and the deep connection of giving empathy
‘Empathy is a respectful understanding of what others are experiencing… [empathy] requires us to focus our full attention on the other person’s message. We give to others the time and space they need to express themselves fully and to be understood’.
Rosenberg 2015:91/92
Receiving empathy is a deeply connecting experience, and a joy to experience when you are in pain. My journal documents my experiences of this. Yet, this is one half of the empathy experience. The other half is offering and giving empathy. The following excerpts chart my journey of learning this precious skill.
Learning about and giving empathy while noticing my ability to remember everything - 16 Dec, 2020
I’ve just had a Practice group with Alex and I noticed two things about offering empathy in the 5-2-1 Empathic Listening Activity. Firstly, part of the activity was to practice presence as you listen to the person in pain. But instead of listening to the person, I found myself anxious about remembering everything and worried about forgetting something. I realised that I wasn’t present at all. Rather I was totally in my head trying to recall and process the information in such a way that I could regurgitate it when I had to feedback what I heard. I realised that I wasn’t present, and now I want to try that again and try and go with the flow more.
Secondly, I realised that it is easy to repeat back what I hear, but a lot harder to work out what needs might be alive and offering guesses. I found myself wanting to offer needs guesses but it didn’t come naturally. I was kind of mute. I realise that I need more practice and to have a better handle on needs…. what they are and when they are alive for someone. I want to be able to do this, so I’ll persist.
Being coached and receiving feedback on an activity of giving empathy in a training course by Allan Rolhfs, a first generation NVC trainer - 12 Jan, 2023.
I enrolled in the course, Deepening Empathy, a weekly session of 90 mins over four weeks. We were introduced to a version of empathy which employs presence and a connection with the person in pain using the language of feelings and reiteration of their words. The process doesn’t necessarily offer needs guesses but instead stays with the person and supports them as they arrive at their needs in their own time. Allan made the comment that this is what Marshal was originally aiming for when he taught empathetic listening. Allan also noted that he has been influenced by the work of the psychologist, Dr Eugene Gendlin (1978), particularly his technique of focusing. There were six of us in the course and we each had an opportunity to be coached as we gave empathy. Here is the video clip of my experience of giving empathy to Tricia. The clip includes the coaching and feedback from Allan. I found this experience extremely helpful and it marks a shift in my skills as I work on being an empathetic listener who is present and holds the speaker with love and care as they explore and reach a deeper understanding of themselves.
Giving Empathy in stillness: - Journal Apr 14, 2023 at IIT, NZ
Today, I had a moment of pure, sweet joy when I was in my Home Group and we were exploring the feelings and needs of one of our group. I felt a shift in the quality of my empathy offering.
One of my buddies was working out a strategy that would meet her needs, but she was frightened about stepping into honest self expression and looking for the courage to act in order to meet her needs. Instead she was finding ways to be OK which in each case was another form of suffering for her. It was coming down to the degree of suffering, ie, how much suffering could she bear and be OK. As I was silently listening, I was resisting my urges to reflect or suggest strategies. This was in itself a celebration for me. But what makes my heart sing was that I was grounded enough to just allow space for her without my interruption, without my suggestion, without trying to ‘do’ anything in particular. My home buddy was in pain confronted by her fear which was blocking her from action. She was in a loop and unable to step into her power. I just held her energetically.
In a moment of pure clarity, arising from within me, I remembered a comment in an earlier part of our session when another member said that she recognised that she would do anything for her daughter and that when she is in pain and stuck she gives to herself that ‘same’ do anything. This helps her care for herself. We all loved this statement and recognised in all of us this courage to do anything for our chiidren.
I was strongly moved to offer this. I asked if she’d like to hear what was alive in me. With her permission, I said, “what if you gave your ‘do anything for my daughter’ to yourself? Would that support you?
She reacted powerfully, immediately finding her inner strength and resolved to negotiate with the person who has stimulated pain in her.
This was a deeply healing moment with all of us also deeply moved and connected.
I’m celebrating that I didn’t ‘make’ anything happen. I was in a flow of empathetic energy and then responded to an internal movement of heartfelt energy. My words came to me from my heart. My mind was still. My body was grounded. I felt connected.
As our Home Group dispersed and I walked off to the next activity, I celebrated me. I felt that I had experienced the giving of empathy and experienced what Marshall called the ‘flow of compassion’.
“What I want in my life is compassion, a flow between myself and others based on a mutual giving from the heart.”
Rosenberg 2015
Giving empathy and responding when moved with heartfulness: What’s App exchange with Anna Groves 6 May, 2023
Anna Groves was keen to give me some feedback following the conclusion of the IIT NZ. However, she realised that she hadn’t experienced my capacity to give empathy and so suggested we engage in an empathy session over recorded messages in What’s App. She gave me permission to use the recordings in my portfolio. I was really moved by Anna’s pain and returned a recorded empathy message in response in the moment. The first recording is Anna’s sharing; the second is my empathy message and the third is Anna’s response to my empathy. I am celebrating that she felt held, supported and heard.
I replied with this What’s App message:
Thank you Anna. I’m so glad you felt, held, supported and heard. I was moving because just as I settled down to privately respond to you, my partner came in so I had to move. I’m glad I didn’t lose my groundedness and stayed connected to your feelings and needs. And thank you for your feedback. I will include this in my portfolio for Cate. Warmest, Elizabeth
Reflections
It has been four years since I began my certification journey. I hope the excerpts from my journals which I have selected for this portfolio have provided some insight into my personal journey of growth and development.
When I think about my personal statement,
I am a peace warrior – not a worrier.
I trust that I can keep myself safe.
I dance to my own tune, and
I am willing to take risks for love.
I am free to contribute joyfully, creatively and meaningfully to the world.
and the process of understanding better who I am and what my edges are, I’m celebrating new awareness and a new relationship with myself. While I still deal with my edges such as defensiveness, anxiety, a propensity to interrupt, a desire to fix things, a self imposed pressure to always try to do more, and always hoping that I’m good enough, I able now to turn to myself and self empathise. I can give myself compassion and understanding, thus lessening the impact of my core beliefs which don’t serve me anymore. I can see that I am a brave person, who knows how to be safe and look after myself, who chooses to do what is alive and right for me in this moment, who has taken lots of risks for love. I see the results in my relationship with my partner, mother and children. And I definitely contribute more creatively, more joyfully and meaningfully to the world. This makes me smile with love for myself.
While at the IIT NZ, I was interviewed by Ricky Shipard. The interview seems to sum up my journey and my plans. Here is the You Tube cip.
In addition, I received three pieces of feedback from trainers at IIT, Anna Groves, Jim Lovell Smith and Irma Jaeger, which I share below. They attest in part to my living NVC.
