Choosing me, caring for and celebrating me
In this section, I want to share key moments in my transformation. These are moments when I find myself faced with a choice to stay with the old insecure pattern or core belief (Ongo book), or step into the new pattern of secure attachment where I choose myself, offer self compassion, find self connection and then have the resources to offer empathy and understanding to others.
Journal 20.3.23 - Responsive instead of reactive
Two interactions have happened recently which attest to a change in how I respond to my triggers.
In the first instance, it is was an interaction with my older brother, Rob. At a family gathering, and after having a discussion about my electric car, my brother told me that I was wrong about my car being the only EV in Australia to have a particular kind of charging capacity. When he spoke, I heard a disdainful tone and witnessed him stepping into my personal space with his eyes intensely focused on me. Instead of my old pattern of feeling fear, I just said calmly that I thought I had the correct information, but nevertheless, I would follow up and check it out when I got home. I thanked him for his comments and then moved away to remove myself from the intensity of the moment.
Remembering this now, I feel really happy about how I responded. I responded from a place of self control, with calm and a sense of compassion. I didn’t go to pain or defensiveness. After a couple of years of work on myself, I feel like I understand better his desperate need to be heard and his loneliness. He shouts to be heard, he wants you to know that he is knowledgeable to be included. I consider his behaviour as uncivil and witness people around him tending to melt away when he archs up. I observe other people as uncomfortable around him. I see him use suicidal strategies to meet his needs. I’m not sure that he’ll change, nor will he likely seek help, but I feel better about being in his presence now, knowing that I can self regulate and not be triggered by his behaviour towards me. One day I hope I’ll be able to let him know that he is important to me and I accept him and love him. That is for the future, but right now, I’m celebrating my capacity to self-regulate in the midst of our interactional style.
The second interaction I’m celebrating is stepping into an opportunity of honest, self-expression with my friend and colleague, Shooshi. A moment of scary honesty! I have suffered in silence for years and have spent a lot of time rehearsing what I would say to her if the opportunity presented itself. When I was first introduced to OFNR, I couldn’t work out what my feelings and needs were in relation to her, just my pain. I wanted to tell her how hurt I was by her response to my request for some editing assistance. Her answer was a very blunt, “No. Not unless you pay me”. I have never been able to discuss how this landed in me, and have been distant from her for 10 years. I have spent time understanding my reaction, and feel strong enough to probe her when I feel triggered. Below is the latest encounter which I’m proud to say, ended very well.
In our most recent correspondence, she wrote,
Hi ET,
Thanks so much for such a great presentation last week. Did you know that next year’s ISFC is on the theme of "Harmony, Compassion, Empowerment"? Do you think you’d have anything done that is of plenary standard by then? If so, I’d love to recommend you for a plenary…
XShoosh
… and I replied,
Hi Shooshi,
Thanks for the invitation. I have received it with a sense of confusion. Hearing your words, as I remember them, at the conclusion of dinner on Wednesday last week, that i hadn’t ‘positioned my work theoretically enough’, and now reading the words ‘is of plenary standard’, I’m needing some understanding and clarification of your thinking before I can respond. At this stage I am hearing negative judgement about my work and so your invitation hasn’t landed well with me. My hope is that you did not intentionally mean to suggest my work isn’t up to standard. Happy to chat about this if you’d like. I’m able to talk after about 3pm today.
Warmest
ET
Shooshi was happy to talk, so we had phone call that afternoon. She apologised and said that her words were ambiguous and thoughtless. She then started talking about what is going on for her. Having been heard, I was willing to listen. She explained that she is overworked and rushing with everything. She then confessed to feeling overwhelmed by a situation at her work that is rocking her foundations, her self-confidence and her academic identity. I empathised with her and she settled. As time was pressing, I offered to follow up with another phone call to continue giving her empathy. She started crying and accepted my offer.
We will speak next week. This phone call, which was transformative for both of us, would not have happened had I not decided it was time to stop my ‘suffering in silence’, own my feelings and needs and express them to her. I have known her for 30 years. I have been wounded by her words and actions at various times, yet have just sucked it up for fear of losing the friendship, of being ‘dropped’ by her and thus the community in which we operate. But this time, I was courageous and the outcome has been positive and reconnecting. I feel more secure these days and better equipped (thanks to NVC) to navigate the interpersonal and social realm. As with my brother, I have a stronger sense of me. I am grounded in choice and agency. It is such a good feeling.
