Practicing scary honesty

In this section, I want to share my growth from firstly, recognising my feelings and needs, to managing my emotions, and then to stepping up to express honestly, in Giraffe, what I need. I’m using journal entries about Mum and my sister, Joh.

Mum

For most of my life, my experience of my mother has been positive. But as I got older, I started to notice that the story I told myself about Mum and I wasn’t really what I was experiencing. I look back and realise that my role was to be there for her, but when I needed her, she wasn’t there for me. Most of the time I didn’t see this pattern. I dissociated a lot in order to be OK in the midst of criticism and anxiety. As I grew in self awareness with the help of NVC, I began to see our relationship differently. Initially, I was hurt, later this moved into self empathy, which extended more and more to Mum as I started to humanise her and think through how she was socialised and what her triggers are. These days, I can honestly say that I love Mum just as she is, with all her imperfections, and now see her jackals and triggers as indicative of a harsh childhood in which she had no voice and no skills to deal with conflict. These days we are friends and enjoy each other’s company. These journal entries below map how I changed and how that changed my relationship with Mum. I think practicing scary honesty with your mother is the ultimate test in honest self expression!

Journal 10.9.19 - recognising and feeling sadness, wanting to experience the beauty of needs met.

At this session with Alex, I was not thinking I’d be at Mum’s.  We were going to work on anger change pattern process.  But instead I found myself entangled in old patterns while visiting her with the intention to sew and keep her company.  Ned came up to see me, his first chance since I returned from my US trip.  I expected we’d all have a nice time hanging out and enjoying each other’s company.

It wasn’t to be.  Initially I was nervous being around Mum, not wanting to judge her or get caught up in old patterns.  Pretty quickly I was alert to being triggered by … Mum’s typical pattern of interruption before I’d finished, lots of judgments of others which indicate, either, Mum’s resentment of impositions laid on her, or her disapproval of others’ behaviours.

And it was hard to connect with Ned.  It felt like Mum was jealous of our relationship. I felt like I was on her rollercoaster.  I was hyperalert to her narkiness and barbs.  I was getting tired of just managing my own reaction, that is, trying not to react, “Respond, ET. Don’t react”, was the constant mantra in my head. 

Ned was shut down. He wasn’t available to me.  Mum was demanding my attention and Ned was energetically unavailable, doing what he needed to be OK. Thankfully on Tuesday morning, Mum had to go out so Ned and I had an opportunity to connect.  It was wonderful.  We talked about his study, his literature review and his sense of confusion over the direction of his exegesis, and overall, his questioning of why he was doing his MFA.  I helped him talk through his readings and the theory of SFL and semiosis.  He felt better and so did I.  It was good to be able to tutor him ideationally in the discipline of linguistics, but also to connect emotionally and value each other’s presence and love.  In the midst of this connecting time, Ned got a difficult text from his flat mate which left him distracted from his reading.  Mum then came home just as Alex and I were starting our coaching session.

Mum shoo-ed me between rooms; the bedroom, the study, the shed, then back to the bedroom. And once, back in the bedroom she hovered outside the door mumbling and making noises in the sewing room next door.  I was totally alert to the terror of her barging in.  By this time, I was teary, angry, exhausted and harassed.  I heard her yell at Ned and was energetically dragged to the activities happening outside the bedroom.

Alex was onto it all. Instead of our planned activity of ‘anger change process’, she changed tack.  She engaged in empathic listening and helped me manage myself while in Mum’s house.  We had an hour long session in which I described the situation and my feelings, and tried to work out what was alive in me.  As I recall, I was needing connection with Ned.  I was needing ease between Mum and I.  I wanted a week of enjoyment, connecting with Mum through sewing, connecting like we used to while engaging in an activity together.  Instead, I felt I was in a crazy, hyperalert dance with Mum orchestrating Ned and I. 

In the end, Ned decided to go home.  He couldn’t read, we couldn’t connect and he felt an urgent need to repair damage between himself and his flat mate.  Tellingly, after Ned left, Mum settled down.  I sensed that Mum must have been feeling left out, disconnected…. Her response was to dominate and distract our attention back to her, to be available, at her beck and call.

So the week of sewing unfolded with me sewing, Mum advising and evaluating my efforts.  I made lots of mistakes which I had to unpick but I was happy, anyway, because I wanted to make clothes which Emily would be happy to wear.  I wanted to wear them happily, too.

So I sewed and Mum spent the week doing chores for others.  She was spending time helping Alec and his nephew solve financial and computer issues at the nursing home.  She was making soup for a fund raiser, doing ‘grey gardening’ for the church and volunteering at the Art Gallery.  She was exhausted, angry and resentful. 

At dinner on our last night she wanted to engage in her typical family lament, negative appraisal of most of us, and pressure me to acknowledge my big brother, Rob’s goodness.  However, she was in an invidious position in relation to Rob. His recent public judgements of Ian and Iren at Ian’s birthday had disgusted Mum.  She said she feels responsible for giving him the floor and being totally unable to make any overtures of celebration or empathy towards Ian.  So, I listened to her at dinner, tired and ready to go home.  I encouraged Mum to ring Ian and Irene to offer empathy.  She said, “Why?  I have nothing to apologise for, and besides, I wouldn’t know what to say”.  My response was just to manage my own emotions.  I couldn’t listen to her with empathy any longer.  I wished that I could have.  I drove home on Saturday, sad.

Journal - 14 Jun, 2020

The following entry describes a shift in my relationship to my mother. I look for alternative strategies to meet my needs when my mother changes her mind. In the end, I saw the event as an opportunity rather than as a wound.

Today Mum rang to change her mind on renting Husky to us while we build Otway St.This was an important moment in my NVC journey. Two things were different, ie, my behaviour changed in two ways:

1. I was angry. But it was clean anger at the set of circumstances. I didn’t go to my typical place of anxiety… “Oh no, what do I need to do to be better?”, “what did I do wrong?”, “ Why do I feel guilty?” All my questions around self worth and belonging were avoided. I just got angry and wondered why Mum chose to do what she did. I didn’t feel like I was to blame. Instead I approached the situation with curiosity.

2. Mum’s decision opened up opportunity for me, rather than closed off my choices. I felt able to look for alternative strategies to meet my needs, and in so doing, I found a better strategy. I realised that I could rent something which is cheap and comfortable with lots of storage close to the house building site. In fact, by renting close to Otway St, I will release myself from the complexities around family obligation and the use of shared space with my mother and brother. I felt liberated from the family codependence relationship.

I moved away from self loathing to anger and a realisation that Mum’s decision isn’t about me. I moved away from family co-dependance to obligation free rental independence. This was a great moment of change in my attitude, and actions. I could even thank my mother for her choice and feel compassion for her.

Journal - 15 Oct, 2021

This entry describes another shift between my mother and I. In this event, I speak my truth using giraffe. I am true to myself, and choose what’s right for me. This is the first time that I can recall actually ‘standing up’ for myself in the face of judgement and anger from my mother.

When I returned to Husky, Mum had arrived before me. I came inside and said hello, and she responded angrily, “Elizabeth, you haven’t signed the guest book. A bit shocked, I said, “No. I don’t sign it”. She said again, that I haven’t signed the book. And I replied,”I think its a bit weird signing the guest book because I’m family, not a guest. And again, she said everyone who comes to Husky must sign the guest book. I said that I was uncomfortable doing that and didn’t understand what the matter was. She then stated very strongly, “People who don’t sign the book, aren’t welcome at Husky”. Shocked, I said, “Do you mean that? Did you hear what you just said to me? “Yes”, she replied, “If you don’t sign the book you can’t stay”.

The next words from her were, “and you stay at Husky for free!” This was very hard to hear as I am the one child who pays rent when I stay. I reacted strongly and pointed out that apart from money, we just paid for the underlay of the new carpet and donated a heater for the house. She backed off that accusation, but then accused me of telling her what to do and being bossy. I was floored. I was unable to continue the conversation. I had to go outside to leave the tension and the unsafe space around Mum.

Mum then decided to go for a walk. I decided that I couldn’t stay. I then processed while changing the sheets on the beds and packing up our things. Mum returned and demanded to know what I was doing. I had prepared for this and said, “I don’t feel comfortable or relaxed so I’m going to leave. And when we are both thinking straight, I’d like to know what it is that is up for you”. I hugged my mother and left with Tony.

The next morning I received this text from Mum,

“I just want to ask your forgiveness for my thoughtless remarks and what followed. I am very aware and most grateful for all the care and help you have given me all your life and love you for it and so am ashamed to have hurt you now. With love, Mum”

Receiving this felt so relieving. My mother was showing me her remorse which I started to wonder wasn’t something she had in her.

When I think back, I’m proud that I didn’t say anything unkind, untruthful or regretful. I’m proud that I stood in my power, recognised that I needed space and safety and sought it. I think this is probably one of the few times that I’ve stood up to Mum, and a addressed my needs. I hope that when something like this happens again that I’ll be able to look past her jackals and ask, “What’s going on Mum?” “ Are you ok?” That for me would be looking behind jackals, seeing our common humanity and offering empathy. If I could do that with my mother, I would feel such joy as it would indicate that I am living NVC.

Johanna (Joh)

Journal entry 17 Apr, 2023 - Discovering my need for courage to talk to my sister, Joh

At the NZIIT, in a pair work activity as part of ‘dissolving enemy images’, I talked about my relationship with Joh.  Through the empathy process, I surfaced my sadness about not having a sisterly relationship.  Going deeper, I found the need for courage to have a conversation with her about my need to reconnect with her, to try and reconnect as sisters.

I liked the process of discovering the layered needs which were alive. I’ve wanted to reconnect for a while but I’ve been blocked by something within me.  I found the block was my default timidity in the face of honest expression and the potential for conflict.  In this situation, my flight response is activated. My request to self is to ‘step up’, take a risk, find my courage and have a go at offering her something about me and my side of our relationship and see if something shifts between us.

I’m going to ask Joh when I go to her place if she’d like to hear what’s going on for me as I’d like to be heard and understood.  If after I tell her that I’d like to feel connected to her and she can’t hear or understand, I’m not going to feel hurt, but I will try to offer her empathy and see where it goes. I will ‘stay in my lane’ and feel happy to have given it a try.  I’ll see how I go.

Here’s my draft OFNR as it is at this moment.

Joh, I’m wondering if you have a moment as I’d like to share something with you.  I’ve been exploring parts of me over the last couple of years, and one of my explorations is about my relationship with you.  When I think about how I resist having a connection with you, I feel sad because I do want a connection with you.  I’m wondering how that is to hear and if this is something that you have thought about?

If she wants to hear more, then I’ll talk about how being a sister rather than a parent is important to me. I’ll explain that our relationship was set up when we were younger as a parent/child interaction.  I was called ‘little mother’ and she was my responsibility when Mum wasn’t present. I’ll offer her empathy and do my best to ‘stay with her’ as I hear her. I’m telling myself that I’ll be listening to a lot of jackals about me, but will find my courage to trust that I can be in my body, grounded and self regulated.

This is a moment of scary honesty for me.

Postscript - 15 May, 2023

Well, when I went to visit my sister straight after the IIT, there was no opportunity to say what was alive in me. Instead I witnessed my mother and sister react to each other and have an argument. I stayed in my lane, and didn’t get involved. Afterwards, my mother sought empathy. I gave her empathy. Later I had an opportunity to talk to my sister about her daughter, my god daughter, who has ASD and is now wondering what to do at the end of school. I was able to talk to my sister about her daughter’s future plan in a way that didn’t cause my sister to react. I was using giraffe and I could see my sister wasn’t reacting negatively but instead appeared to be grateful for the help that I was offering. What I’m noticing about this interaction is that I did find my courage. I wasn’t timid, rather I was talking from my heart, being present to what was going on in me and confident that my words were delivered with compassion.

I’m not sure if or when I will talk to my sister about the nature of our relationship, as somehow I don’t feel the need quite like before. I’ve done the work on me and it has brought about some healing. I’m aware of a new connection in a way which is new for me. So grateful for the experience of the IIT NZ. I’m noticing that because I’m different, the outcome of my conversation with Joh has been different. This is so enriching. Life can be more wonderful for me and my sister, even if we never have the conversation about the nature of how our relationship developed.