Sharing scary honesty can be fraught
In this section, I want to share a couple of experiences of trying to say what I mean in Giraffe, and finding myself mute. I’m either mute because I’m unprepared for the response I received from my ‘scary’ honesty, or I’m trying to offer empathy but am lost for words and thus feel silenced by my own lack of practice and use of Giraffe language. I really have come to appreciate how learning the language of life as Marshall calls it, is a language learning experience. It is like learning a new language.
Journal entry - 22 Jul, 2019
Tony and I have a group of friends who sea kayak and camp together. One of our friends is a long term friend of mine, Jan. After a trip to Fraser Island, I came home and wrote the following journal after experiencing a number of judgements bout my kayaking behaviour from Jan. Over the course of the trip, it seems she has a list of grievances towards Tony and I.
The first one was Jan telling me she finds it hard to paddle with me because I slow down when I talk on the water. Second, Jan suggested that she is always out front and not paddling closely in a pod because my slow speed makes that so hard. She’s not out front because she chooses to be but because my speed forces her to be. She blamed me for her being out front when from what I could see, it was entirely her choice. The pattern of blaming continued throughout the trip. For example,
1. Tony and I were responsible for her ‘rock beaching’ because she followed us through the gauntlet.
2. She blamed Tony for ‘losing’ me as her paddle buddy and sharer of the camping equipment and food.
3. She felt judged by us for her lack of self sufficiency. We shared with her as she requested but then she blamed us for judging her.
Both Tony and I felt the frustration of this blame game. I tried listening empathetically, but her aggressive response was, “Don’t use that (NVC) on me!” When she said this, I was unprepared and had no response. I was silenced. This silence on my part was good in a sense because it stopped the exchange after Jan jackaled. By not reacting I managed to cease the interaction. After this, Jan was less accusational and more self sufficient. It was a relief.
From these incidents my reflection was to recognise Jan’s feelings around becoming a ‘lone’ paddler, no longer in a relationship of sharing with me. She was mourning the loss of us and resenting Tony’s presence in my life. I wanted to express myself in my best Giraffe, but instead I had no words. I could empathise with her silently but I was unable to say anything.
Writing this out has helpled me see her more lovingly. She is a dear friend.. I love her and will remind myself of her vulnerability next time she lashes out using her blame game strategy.
The incident taught me that not having the words I wanted left me mute, particularly when I was wanting to respond to accusations. I didn’t want to reply defensively. I wanted to try my NVC, but I didn’t have the words. I was saddened by this.
Soon after this kayak trip concluded, Tony and I were meeting a friend, Bin. She had recently left a relationship with another dear friend of ours. She wanted to have lunch with us. We didn’t really know why but met her for lunch. Here is my diary entry
Once we returned to Hervey Bay, we met up with Bin. She wanted to see us we think to talk about her break up with Phil. What she had to say about his violent ‘terns’ was a huge surprise and left me unprepared to know what to say. On the one hand, I was horrified and on the other, I wasnt’ sure how truthful she was being. …. Tony and I have her empathy and supported her in her intention to leave th relationship. We left on good terms and het her know she/we sill stay in touch.
On reflection what concerned me was my inability to know what to do or say when I found her story not gelling with me. Tony was good at finding the right words but I was without words. Just silent. I need t work through this. I know this is my edge and I need to grow and learn. When I’m lost for words , I need to reflect or engage in some immediate ET emotional work to understand myself, and then know how to respond. These are some important reflections for my next coaching session with Alex.
I guess I want to say that scary honesty can be fraught. Either I am too unprepared to say what I want to say, or I don’t have the words because I’m such a wobbly giraffe. Below are my notes following my next session with Alex.
Journal entry 30 Jul, 2019
My session with Alex was intense but hugely enlightening. It showed me how far I still have to go. I am still analysing the other; not pausing to see what’s alive in me. What are my jackals? What needs do they point to? What request do I have for myself or for others? So I was pleased that I paused when Jan jackaled me with, “Don’t do that stuff on me”. But as Alex said, maybe my guessing her feelings and needs was really me jackaling her under the disguise of giraffe.
These days I am more aware of my reactions and notice them. As I notice them, I find myself recasting what I want to say, and using more giraffe as I interact. I am more aware of my somatic reactions and so can pause while I’m listening to others to check in with myself. I’m less mute these days, and more interactive and empathic as I connect with people. Even though scary honesty can be fraught, I’m grateful for the learning journey.
