Finding compassion through self connection, namely self empathy

When I think about my NVC journey, I now understand that the most transformative experience for me has been in the journey of understanding self. I remember being so delighted to have a communication framework that supported me in honest self expression, in other words, how I showed up socially, and how I expressed what was/is important to me. But being able to show up authentically using Giraffe OFNR is really the last step in a longer journey of developing self-awareness, understanding and compassion for me. And this journey has been the true deepening for me. I know I am different now. I can see it in my writings and in my actions. So here are some snippets of some deep moments of awakening to Self.

Journal entry 30 Jan, 2020 - Starting to see myself with new awareness and understanding)

Wow.  Today has been a day of revelation.  Today I wanted some recognition that I had completed the build of my online course.  And at the same time, Emily is making demands on me which frightens me.  I’m feeling sad and lonely. 

After an empathy buddy session with Viola, with her help, I came to an understanding of myself in a way I’ve not experienced so far. I’ve realised that my ‘bunny in the headlights’ response to unexpected conflict, and my current feelings of sadness and loneliness are the same thing.  I am wanting connection which is lost.  My sadness is the grief of losing connection and the loneliness is from sensing a shunning-ness.

I feel shunned when ‘I’m not good enough’ or when ‘not being what others want me to be’.  This leads to disconnection.  As a disconnected person, I am alone.  If I feel disconnected, alone-ness can be lonely .  I need to be ‘inside the tent’.  Knowing this will help me self-regulate when the ‘bunny’ in me wants to run away and when I’m anxious, sad or lonely.  Wow.

Journal entry 3 Feb, 2020 - Seeing how my insecure attachment direct my social behaviour

On Thursday 30th Jan, I saw myself as I truly am for the first time in my life.  Not the self I tell myself I am, but the self that is there existing in space and enacting a social self.  What I saw was shocking. Shocking and grief inducing.  I am not who I think I am.  I feel cracked open, raw and exposed.  Myself as something else.  What did I see?  And how to describe it?

The real me is a person working very hard everyday, every moment to receive reassurance that I’m accepted and in the tribe, in the circle of trust, safe and loved in community.  I seek reassurance incessantly.  I am fragile and highly anxious.  If I don’t get the reassurance, I am hurt.  I feel sad and lonely.  So I work hard to be accepted.  I over-achieve in everything I do: - work output, presentations, documentation, publications.  I cook great cakes, put on great BBQs, think up great presents, hand make gifts etc. etc.  I’m terrified of the contestable space of the internet because I won’t get the reassurance that I need, instead I’ll get what I dread  - challenges, conflict, disagreement- all potential events which would leave me out in the cold, unaccepted, outside the ‘circle of trust’, unloved, disconnected. Terror. So everyday, I work hard to avoid this. 

Why am I like this? I think it is ‘insecure attachment”.  I’ve never felt totally accepted as I am.  I’m not good enough, I have to be better to gain love and acceptance.  I’m not good enough.  I haven’t ‘arrived’ yet.

 So, is this how I want to continue to be?  There isn’t a lot of fun and play in this kind of desperate existence.  It is a life of duty and achievement.  It is exhausting.  I’ve realised that the reason I like a lot of quiet time is because it provides the relief from the hard work of endlessly driving for social acceptance.  This has to change.  I don’t want this anymore.

Mar 13, 2023 - Giving myself empathy and moving from anxiety into self-regulation

Today, I am proud of myself.  I’ve just come out of an MRI on my right shoulder.  Sounds innocuous, but in fact, I was faced with my claustrophobia and a very strong flight response.  Both were present, and the mechanical encapsulation of my person was to last 20 mins - 20 mins in which I had to find the internal resources to manage my physical reaction and stay self-regulated.  I did it.  But wow, was I pleased to be out of the that MRI tunnel when the test was finished! 

I’m writing this because I want to celebrate how I self-regulated.  How I am different.

Here’s a description of what happened. I went into the tunnel, and immediately asked to be taken out.  I was overwhelmed with my flight response.  Luckily for me, the technician had comms through headphones, heard my plea and pulled me out right away. 

After a recovery time and now knowing what my immediate reaction was like, I then started to count in repetitions of 1 and 2 and 1 and 2 and.. , and when I felt ready, asked to be trundled back in.  With my eyes closed, I was counting my breaths, and concentrating on the numbers and the rise and fall of my chest.  I was scanning my body for responses, such as my heart.  It was thumping.  It thumped so hard, my body twitched, but I had to keep the shoulder still, so I counted and watched my breath.  I counted steadily.  I scanned my body.  I felt the aircon on my toes, I felt my outbreath on my skin, I felt my nostrils flare as I took an inbreath.  I concentrated and counted.  The magnetic noises seemed to fit with my counting so I concentrated on their rhythms and counted in time.  I rested between the magnetic bombardment, then returned to sensing and counting when the noises returned.  And as I observed myself somatically, I started to observe myself compassionately.  I hugged my inner child, we played in my heart garden.  The flowers were pink and purple.  I let her know we were OK.  It was understandable to be flighty in this situation.  “I’ve got you”, I told my child self.  “I’ve got you”, I told my fragile, pained adult self.  I held myself with mental care. I relaxed into counting and observing somatically.  And toward the end of the 20 mins, my counting had lengthened.  I was counting more numbers, even up to eight.  My heart rate was slow and resting.  My breathing was shallow and calm.  I was self-regulated in the midst of stress, fear and flight. I’m celebrating this.  It is a sign of how I am changing, and have changed!  I can self-connect, self-empathise and support me.