Finding compassion through humanising
When we settle our attention on other people’s’ feelings and needs, we experience our common humanity.
Rosenberg 2015, p. 151
In this section, I’m returning to the people I journaled about in section one of the personal Journal, Discovering my feelings and needs and now consider their behaviour from the perspective of their feelings and needs. I want to illustrate how I am better able to humanise and understand the experience of the other. This ability to humanise then opens me up to offering empathy, and experiencing our common humanity.
May 17, 2023
Dad
When I think about Dad these days, I don’t feel the same sense of anger. Instead I feel grateful. Dad did the best he could. He was a man of duty and obligation and worked hard to support his family, and meet the expectations of being a husband and a father. I don’t remember him talking about his feelings or needs. And I wonder if he even had words for such things. He was a product of his times and having come from an austere, protestant Scottish background, he worked hard to ‘do the right thing’. I feel compassionate towards my father these days as I observed him living a pretty disciplined life, a life of service and duty with little fun. I know he loved me dearly, and I feel the sadness of his early death and the loss of opportunity to get to know him more. My Dad spent his life being stoic and dutiful, believing this was his role. I believe he sacrificed happiness to meet these obligations. My heart goes out to him.
Kief, my host mother in the US
When I think about Kief these days, I see a woman who spent her life doing her best to live a good Christian life in a community of strict Christians. I believe she has a creative and aesthetic side that she could have explored and experienced real joy and abandon. She chose the life of a dutiful Christian wife and mother. I’m telling myself that she sacrificed a lot and that her addiction to prescription drugs may have been a way to escape the sadness in her heart. We have had a lot of conversations over the years where she would tell me that she was happy and content. I accepted this, hoping that she felt the beauty of needs met. These days she is living with dementia and has been weaned off her prescription drugs. She lives quietly in a state of bliss. Her bouts of paranoia have past and she is easy to care for and is happy to see people. I feel very compassionate towards her now. She is settled and calm. She has lived according to her values and her faith. I admire her for that. I’m grateful for her presence in my life. She fed my curiosity and helped me navigate the vicissitudes of life when I was angst-full and uncertain. Her certainty was a safe harbour for me. She has always been a loving mother and wife. I feel a deep love for her and accept her choices in her life.
Becky, my host sister in the US
When I think about Becky these days, I see how hard she has worked throughout her life to care for others, making sacrifices for her children and caring for her mother who has been lost in dementia and anxiety. I have a huge amount of love for her and am looking forward to the time when she will have more time and space for herself. I know she will treasure the time when it comes and will make time and space for herself. I am celebrating that future opportunity. Her need for service will soon be quieter as she meets her need for play and leisure.
Emily, my daughter
When I think of Emily these days, I see an intelligent, sensitive young woman who has faced her demons, and who has reached a deeper understanding of herself forged by the tectonic forces of her relationships with her mother and father. As a child, she was screaming to be heard by her father, and screaming for safety from me, her mother. As an adult, we can now talk about this in a field of empathy. We both feel safe, healed and have a deeper love for each other. I enjoy time with Emily. We cook, chat and share together which is lots of fun. We have a healthy, balanced relationship which brings both of us joy and happiness.
Ned, my son
When I think of Ned these days, I see a young man who has developed a new awareness of his own anxieties and triggers. He knows now that he has been trying to meet his needs for safety and peace. I see him learning how to be a loving, open and compassionate partner in his new relationship. Our conversations and time together are honest and trusting. We are both able to say what is ‘up’ for us. He allows himself to be vulnerable and lives more from the heart. He wants connection and love in his life and I witness him creating it as he grows in deeper understanding and acceptance of himself. He has backed himself in both his personal and professional life and it paying off in spades. I feel joy just watching him grow.
Tony, my partner
When I hear, No, from Tony these days, he tells me that he is asking for time to process what I have just said/offered/requested etc. I now understand that he is not doing anything to me like denying my offer or request. He is just buying time for himself to process. I have come to appreciate how he manages his anxiety all the while meeting his needs for service and contribution. I see his No with affection these days as it indicates that anxiety is present and he is doing his best to manage it. I have more love for him every day. I notice how he accepts my ups and downs and doesn’t react personally. He demonstrates a deep understanding of me and respects my need for time and space, too. We feel grateful and blessed to be in each other’s life.
Johanna, my sister
I’m still find it difficult to be around my sister. I worry, and tell myself that she is explosive and blameful. Her suicidal strategies for meeting her needs remain. Little by little, I am starting to see behind these strategies. When she is behaving reactively, I guess that she is possibly wanting recognition for her contribution and screaming for her need to be heard met. I’m telling myself that she gets overwhelmed and lashes out because she doesn’t have strategies for self regulation. I would love for her to discover and experience the liberation of being able to self-regulate. I can see the person in pain behind her behaviours and trust that when she is ready, she will explore other ways to get her needs met. I’ll be there when she is ready. Meantime, I am in touch with her more regularly, offering assistance with her daughter and offering empathy when she is triggered by others. She appears to be calmer in these interactions, which I’m happy about. I am a work in progress, and I am hoping that as NVC becomes more embodied in me and I’m more grounded in myself, my self worth and value that my relationship with Johanne will continue to shift towards happiness and joy.
